I’m Tim, Kaitlyn’s husband. Man, I’ve heard that a lot over the last year and a half or so. Mostly from strangers, “Hello, are you Kaitlyn’s husband? You don’t know me but I keep up with y’alls story on Facebook. I’m praying for you guys.” Countless people that I don’t know have prayed for me as an extension of my lovely wife. Even now, as I begin to discover what my life looks like without her in it people I’ve never met pray daily for my strength, comfort, peace, and joy. I’m humbled by it. Thank you.
I haven’t posted on this page much throughout this journey except once to give a critical financial update and then again to inform everyone that Kaitlyn had passed away. I had opportunities to post but instead delegated it to other family members. At the time I felt like I needed to be there for Kaitlyn not the people keeping up with her story, “let someone else do that.
” I also felt like this page was her voice and if I started posting it would start to sound less like her and more like me instead. Now though? She’s home, I don’t need to be there for her anymore. She’s given me a platform to talk about her and it’s okay for this to be in my voice because I can tell you how I saw her! What it was like to be married to her, to be on the inside of this story and to share with you her hope from my perspective. I’m Tim, Kaitlyn’s husband, it’s nice to finally meet you!
I’m flying home from Ireland today. November 6th. More important than what I’m doing is why I’m doing it. November 6th is mine and Kaitlyn’s anniversary. Today we would have been married for nine years. One of the things I always liked to do for Kaitlyn on our anniversary is write for her. Sometimes in a card, but more often than not it would be a short post that I would tag her in and attach a picture or video to accompany it. They were always light hearted in nature with lots of jokes but very informative about my feelings for her and how lucky I felt to be married to such an incredible woman. Truthfully though, it was a gift for myself. I loved to watch her read them. It was always special to me. So I thought I would continue the tradition in a fashion that would make her both swoon and proud to call me her husband. As I began to write this though, it kept coming off as earnest and not so much light hearted. I noticed that the jokes weren’t quite jokes and I began to understand that a lot of what I was putting into the writing I had d
one for her in the past was coming from where I was emotionally because of our marriage. What’s coming out of me right now is because of where I am emotionally, because of the great loss I feel. It’s going to be heavier than what I’m used to writing and that’s okay for now.
So I’m flying home from Ireland on my anniversary. Flying back from a trip I took to get away from the world that I know. To distract myself from reality for a short time. When I arrived I realized there’s no running from my pain. It follows me wherever I go, even across oceans. Who knew? The reason for coming was two fold though. On the one hand, I needed to get away. I needed to do something fun and new after the worst year of my life. I needed to take a trip that Kaitlyn and I had always said we were going to take. So I did it. With the help of my sister-in-law and my best friend I really did it. I made it to Ireland, and it was incredible! The landscapes were unrivaled, the castles were majestic, and the sheep were.. well the sheep were everywhere! It’s probably one of the most memorable trips I will have ever been on, but not necessarily because of all of that. All of that stuff was amazing and I have plenty of pictures to post later, but what I will remember most about this trip will be the second reason for me coming. I came to scatter the first small part of Kaitlyn’s ashes.
I brought a small glass vial, wrapped in bubble wrap, stuffed in a cardboard tube, and filled with her ashes so that I could leave a piece of her in a place she always wanted to visit. I struggled with the thought of doing it somewhere so far from me a couple of days leading up to it though. However, I knew that she would have loved being here and there is some sort of peace that comes with that. I chose to scatter them on the Cliffs of Moher because when I think of Ireland that’s what I think of. The day came and kind of started off rainy but as time passed and we enjoyed the beautiful view the weather started to clear and the sun started to shine. There were so many people there that I wasn’t sure if we would be able to get alone to do it but then God took care of that too. We found a cliff that jutted out about seven to ten feet further than the rest. It was on the other side of a fence a little past the end of the main path. Everyone else had started walking back to the visitor center so it was just the three of us. We went around the fence to get to the cliff that I had picked and I took the vial, knelt down on one knee, and slowly scattered her ashes off the side of the cliff. It was all over in the matter of a few minutes. When I had finished and the vial was empty I stood up, took a look around at my surroundings, the cliffs, the ocean, the sun beginning to set, and the rocks below. It was all so beautiful. I turned to leave but stopped and took one last look at the cliff and thought to myself “Kaitlyn was terrified of heights, she would have killed me for being so close to the edge of that cliff.” I smiled at the irony of what I had just done and began to walk back.
Today we would have been married for nine years. I wish she was here to celebrate with me but I’m glad she didn’t see me near the edge of that cliff. I would have never heard the end of it. To my Kaitlyn, happy anniversary!